note about last week's post: the audio on last week's Abby cosplay post wasn't working! argh. so sorry about that. every week i will read what i write in case that's more convenient for you. i finally figured out what went wrong so you can LISTEN to last week's post now. phew! AND you can "subscribe" to every audio post like a podcast so you won't ever miss an episode. back to today's story.
This is my mom (cue typical photo of my mom wearing three kinds of plaid).
When my mom learned to text message, the first thing she sent me was an animated sticker GIF of a fluffy white cat with heart eyes and confetti. When I saw this I was shocked. I was like, Damn, this is more affection than I ever got in childhood.
Obviously my self-esteem went through the roof so I got bold. I texted her in English “I love you, mommy.”
She replied, “Okay.”
It’s almost a cliche at this point right? Asian parents don’t say “I love you.”
So most of us immigrant kids, facing a foreign culture, had to raise ourselves. Remind ourselves that our parents feeding us and teaching us right from wrong was their way of expressing love. Anything different from that we’ll need to practice away from home. It wasn’t until my twenties did I realize that “words of affirmation” were one of my main “love languages” and that shit felt good. Things had to change. The chasm between how my parents loved and how I needed to be loved became unbearable.
So I started small. I began by saying “thank you” to my mom anytime she did a “mom” thing. She handed me a tissue. Thank you mommy! She gave me the big pork bone to chew on after she made bone broth. Thank you mommy! She picked oranges from the backyard for me to take home. Thank you mommy!
And each time she’d say, “Thank you? Why thank you? I’m your mom. This is what I’m supposed to do.” (應該 / Yīnggāi)
Then I’d explain every time: I’m saying thank you because you are doing something for me. It’s not just something you’re supposed to do. It’s something you do that should be appreciated. Then she’d grumble and say something about that being “American nonsense talk.” (廢話 / Fèihuà)
Until she didn’t.
And it just became a part of life.
But honestly, that was nothing compared to the courage I needed to summon to teach my mom to say “I love you.” (And “I love you” in ENGLISH too, even though she only spoke Mandarin. I needed to hear it in English so that my heart could hear it.)
One day, many many years ago, I went home and said, “Mom, get up. Let me show you something.”
She was still watching her K-drama when I got her up and hugged her really tight. She’s tiny. And I’m strong. She wasn’t going anywhere.
I said, “Mama. From now on, when I say ‘I LOVE YOU MOMMY’ you have to reply with ‘I LOVE YOU TOO."
With her neck craned and STILL watching her K-drama while I had her in this vice grip hug she said “What is this nonsense? Let me go.”
I was determined so I said “No! When I say ‘I LOVE YOU MOMMY’ you have to say ‘I LOVE YOU TOO’
She was like, “Then why do you have to hold me like this?”
I was like, “Because I’m serious and you need to learn how to say I love you too. It’s important to me. Say it with me, I LOVE YOU TOO.”
Again she was like, “Why are we doing this?” So I went with my last resort.
I said, “I read from doctors that when you hug someone for 45 seconds or more it boosts your immune system. So I’m hugging you and teaching you to say “I LOVE YOU TOO” because it’s good for our health.”
She got really quiet and paused for a moment. She was actually thinking about this!
Then she said, “Okay.”
I was like, “Okay? Okay!”
Here we go mom, “I LOVE YOU MOMMY!”
She said, “I LOVE YOU TOO!”
I mean, she said it all angry like she was sneezing but I’ll take it! Mission accomplished. She had earned her release from my forceful embrace.
And she kept it up! It was this thing that she’d do for me whenever I greeted her and said goodbye to her. Just the two of us. She’d switch to “I love you too” in English just for me.
Now, fast forward to her recent birthday a few weeks ago.
The whole family got together, my two older brothers, their partners, my nephew, the in-laws the whole nine. We sang Happy Birthday in mandarin Chinese and mom blew out her candles. We clapped and cheered and I yelled out in English, “Mama, we love you!” And without missing a beat, in Chinese, mom said, “I also love you all!”
WAAAAAAHT? She said that to all of us? First time, EVER. You gotta see the expression on her face right after she said that too…
Here’s a screenshot of her reaction TO HERSELF for saying she loved us!!!!! Look at that lightly embarrassed smile! 😭😭😭
If you want more than the screenshot, here’s the video of it if you want to see if for yourself (Click on the “i luv u 2” highlight circle on my Instagram profile page. Video is at the end). Can core memories form waaaay into adulthood??? If so, this video is now one of mine.
My mom is a testament to the fact that our parents can change! And we can evolve our relationship with our parents. They are not locked in time. They keep growing as we mature and develop too.
This all started because I wanted my mom to love me in ways that I never got in childhood. What I didn’t realize was that doing this was a way for me to make sure my mom felt loved too.
I love my mama so much. She didn’t have a life of her own. One time I asked her, hey mom, do you have any hobbies? She was like, what’s that? I was like, you know, fun things you do for yourself, outside of work. She was like, that’s not a thing. LOL.
Mom gave her life to us. To my dad. To raise three kids. All while working her fingers off sewing clothes at garment factories for pennies. And she took care of my old-ass dad through all the stress and sleepless nights of his cranky-ass dementia for years until he passed away last November.
I am certain my mom loves me. I just hope she knows that I love her too.
P.S. On a VERY related note GO CHECK OUT THE NEW MOVIE “EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE”! It’s incredible. It’s game-changing. It’s life-changing. It’s art. Also Michelle Yeoh kicking ass. Support weird creative Asians. Congrats to The Daniels (Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert) for writing and directing the crap out of this movie. Also this movie poster….I meeeeeaaan….
everything’s fine with Jenny Yang is your weekly reminder to find joy in an unjust world. jenny’s thoughts and stories about love, grief, weird shit, and doing what we can to feel okay. this thing may morph into something else. who knows? i hope to touch your heart and tickle your sphincters. and if you like it, please share this with a friend and subscribe and comment. <3 jenny (insta, twitter)
how i taught my mom to say i love you