everything's fine with Jenny Yang
everything's fine with Jenny Yang Podcast
um where's dad's grave?
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um where's dad's grave?

did i just pour my heart out to some random dead dude?
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note: the ‘RONA finally got me so i’ve been resting and missed a week of posting with you. but i’m back! thank you for your support and being my substack Day Ones!

It was my first time visiting my dad’s grave since his burial. The headstone hadn’t come in yet. You know, supply chain issues from Asia or some shit. Just an empty canister for placing flowers and the light scar from a new piece of turf covering the burial dirt. When we went and “shopped” for the plot a few years ago it was considered one of the “new” areas in this mega mortuary park. But now the pristeen hill of green grass was pockmarked with plaques and unmarked plots.

Corey and I went to see my dad two months after he was buried because we were going to be out of town for Lunar New Year. It was my first New Year without dad and I was in all of my feelings about it. I checked with mom via video chat on the Line app (Taiwanese people’s preferred app for messaging). 

what chatting with mama yang on the Line app looks like

Is it okay if I go do this work thing in New York and not be at home for New Year’s? It’s the first one without dad, I said while tearing up. 

She said, yeah. It’s okay. If it’s for work. (The Yang’s will do anything if it means getting work and getting paid) 

But mom, I wouldn’t be there to do our usual incense and paying respects to the ancestors thing. Then she reminded me, oh we don’t do that anymore. When we sent your dad off to the heavens, we also burned and sent off his ancestral altar. 

this is what the altar looked like. a few years ago i took this photo of my sassy dad.

It was the urn and altar that we placed in our dining room with the portraits of my dad’s parents flanking either side. That altar and the whole series of rituals we invoked during important lunar holidays were a part of my life as far as I could remember. I probably started bowing three times to pictures of my grandparents even before I knew words. What do you mean we no longer need to pay respects to the ancestors? You mean no more setting out food for their spirits to come and eat? No more waiting for that food to get cold so then we could eat after them? It was this antiquated thing that I didn’t understand until I became an adult and realized it was the only thing that really connected me with my lineage. We were separated from my dad’s family in the mainland by war, revolution, escape and immigration. And now, my dad, and this connection to him were gone.

It’s because dad’s an ancestor now. We sent him to be with his parents.

As my mom said this to me on video chat the tears started to fall. These video chat resolutions are too blurry for her to see the moisture in my eyes. Whether or not she noticed my tears didn’t matter. Even when we have talked about profoundly sad things, my family made it a habit to never react to the tears. As if they didn’t exist. Just another thing to avoid and keep the conversation moving. It wasn’t cruel. I’ve realized that. That’s how my parents learned to deal with feelings. 

So I’ll go see him at his grave then. Mom agreed. The rest of the fam will do that too.

A few days before New Years, there I was staring at this vast piece of lawn. Holding back my tears. Anticipating all the things I wanted to say to him. And I didnt’ know where the fuck my dad was.

Corey and I wandered that hillside for at least fifteen minutes, I swear to buddha. We couldn’t be sure which fresh grave it was. The entire day of the funeral was a haze of grief and blurry tears. 

Maybe it’s this one. It’s at about the middle of the hill?

No. It’s too far up. We weren’t that far up. Remember the shade tent was up there and the grave was down more?

There was a muddy spot too. 

Well it’s not muddy anymore. They probably fixed that. No more rain right now.

It was maddening until it became comical. 

I messaged my brother. He Lined me photos of the day of the funeral. We were out there forensic sciencing the angle of the photo with the view in front of us. 

Okay. Maybe it’s this one. This looks like it matches the photo point of view. 

At some point I just had to pick a fresh unmarked grave that still had the turf seams around it to set down the flowers and my grief.

this was not my dad. woops.

Corey gave me some space and walked away from me. He said, you go ahead but your brother sent us the plot number and I think I’ll try to figure out where the numbers are. Okay. Ima start crying though.

I grabbed the tulips we bought and started to dump some of my bottled water in the metal flower holder. Gingerly sprinkled the flower food packet into the flower cup. And set the flowers inside. I knelt down at the foot of this unmarked plot, folded my hands at my knees, bowed my head facing uphill at him.

Happy new year dad. I’m so sad that you are gone. I’m so sorry for all the suffering you went through in the last years of your life. And in the last days of your life. I wish I could’ve done more to ease your pain. I want you to know that we all miss you and really miss you now that the New Year is here. I hope you are finally at peace and that you get to have fun catching up with Grandma and Grandpa and you get to see all of your friends and siblings now. You really did so much to survive and outlasted all the odds. Thank you for taking care of me and the family as much as you were able. Baba, I love you. 

…or some version of that that I could actually say in Chinese.

The tears rolled down my cheeks and fell straight down to the grass. Chinese people love to hire “funeral cryers” to amp up the sorrow at funeral marches because they say that the dead will know your love and devotion to them by the amount of tears you shed for them. 

Will he know mine were for him? 

Then, from across the lawn I hear Corey yell out. Hey, babe! Your dad’s over here!

I broke out of my sad fugue state.

What? You sure?!

Yup. He’s right here. I found his plot number.

I get up to walk to Corey. As I wipe my tears, I took a look back at the grave that I was just crying at. Shit.

I yelled ahead to Corey, did I just cry at the wrong dead guy?

This is him. I walked up to the unmarked grave. It looked just like the one I was at.

Corey pointed to the tiny plot number hidden in the grass.

See? Holy shit. That’s him. My brother said dad was next to some korean guy. I look to the right. And there was the plaque with a Korean-ass name. Kyoung or some shit.

Fuck. I literally laughed. Out. Loud.

Whatever you said your dad he heard you. Don’t need to do it again.

Says you. I march back to the other guy. I grab his metal canister with my flowers. This felt wrong.

Ugh. So sorry. I hope you know this isn’t personal.

I grab the tulips and dump the water into my dad’s in-ground metal flower canister and arrange the tulips in his grave. Then I had to unceremoniously put the stranger’s canister back in his grave. This all felt very undignified.

I knelt back down in front of dad’s actual grave and gave a summary of my previous speech. Sad feelings et cetera. You get it.

Maybe the energy from my crying at the wrong grave can send that unknown person to say what’s up to my dad in the after life? Someone should have a good laugh about this.

I’m getting cremated.

everything’s fine with Jenny Yang is your weekly reminder to find joy in an unjust world. jenny’s thoughts and stories about love, grief, weird shit, and doing what we can to feel okay. this thing may morph into something else. who knows? i hope to touch your heart and tickle your sphincters. and if you like it, please share this with a friend and subscribe and comment. <3 jenny (insta, twitter)
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everything's fine with Jenny Yang
everything's fine with Jenny Yang Podcast
everything’s fine with Jenny Yang is your weekly reminder to find joy in an unjust world. jenny’s thoughts and stories about love, grief, weird shit, and doing what we can to feel okay. this thing may morph into something else. who knows? i hope to touch your heart and tickle your sphincters. and if you like it, please share this with a friend and subscribe and comment. <3 jenny